Empathy Overload?

New research suggests we're hard-wired to be empathetic. Here's how to keep from getting overwhelmed by the pain of others.

By Jennifer Nelson

Listening to your body can help you figure out how and when to draw the necessary lines. Pay close attention to the signals it's sending you, says David Nichol, a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst who incorporates meditation into his practice, and the coauthor of The One-Minute Meditator. If, for example, you're listening to the problems of someone who is anxious or depressed, notice if you feel a tightening in your shoulders, a heavy feeling in your chest, or a headache. Taking note of these sensations will keep them from progressing too far.

Be Honest

When listening to someone else's problems is sapping your own emotional resources, it's important to be clear with yourself and the other person about what you can and can't do to help. Sometimes you might need to limit your time with someone who is draining you, telling that person, "I love you and care about your problem, but I have only a few minutes to talk with you about it right now." It's a way of practicing the yogic principle of satya, or truth-telling.

Pamela Kaplan, who owns a yoga studio in Morrisville, Pennsylvania, had an opportunity to put satya into practice when she had to fire one of her teachers. It was difficult all around, and the woman didn't take the news well, crying and apologizing. Kaplan felt for her, but honestly believed the woman was not a good fit. She found a way to be truthful and empathic by assuring the woman that she would find better opportunities as an independent instructor. Sure enough, the teacher later told her she'd found a great space and had opened a studio of her own.

Learn to Detach

Detaching yourself from others may sound negative, as if you aren't fully present. But the point is to develop a healthy detachment. You can be present for someone in need, but you needn't tote that person's problems with you.

Last spring, at the urging of her family, White took a vacation to Canada to visit her sister. They went to yoga classes together, and White finally had time to focus on her own mind and body. While she was away, her blood pressure returned to normal and the cracked skin on her hands healed. She felt renewed and energetic.

As soon as she returned home, though, her health problems started up again. That's when it became crystal clear that she'd have to learn to practice detachment in the midst of her family's problems.

When Kate broke the news about her engagement, it was an opportunity for White to work on her new intention. At first, she felt overwhelmingly sad about the heartache and guilt her daughter was experiencing. "I was so concerned that she was making the decision to break her engagement out of a fear of commitment," White says. "I thought maybe she was waiting for a dream man who would never exist and that she would throw away her life in the meantime." White's initial instinct was to try to calm Kate's fears by telling her they were a simple case of nerves.

But then she recalled an affirmation she'd learned from one of her yoga teachers: "I didn't create any problems for others, and I cannot cure their problems. My only hope is to be there in compassion and love." By allowing Kate to live through the crisis, she let her daughter make the right decision to break off the engagement.

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