A More Perfect Union

Approached as a spiritual practice, a committed relationship can be a path not only to enduring love and deep harmony but also to liberation.

By Tara Brach

When Molly and Dave arrived at my office for their first therapy appointment, they were quiet and grim. Molly headed for a seat in the center of the small sofa, and Dave squeezed in next to her. As he stretched his arm out along the back of the couch, Molly immediately moved to the far end, folded her arms, and crossed her legs. Throughout the session, they both addressed me, rarely even glancing at each other.

The story they told was not unusual. A little over a year ago, they had fallen deeply in love, and for months, making love had been a passionate and intimate experience they both relished. Hardly a day passed without them finding some time to express their passion. But over the past couple of months, Molly had been cooling to sexual intimacy, leaving both of them confused about how to continue with each other. Even though they had agreed that it was OK if their sexual interest followed different rhythms, Dave continued to approach Molly amorously every day. By the time they came to see me, she was regularly rebuffing his approaches with anger. "It's like he's been imposing himself, totally disregarding who I am, what I want," she said. "He's not giving me a choice." But she also felt guilty when she saw the hurt in his eyes. "I just can't believe I get so mean, so hard-hearted," she added. "But this is just how I feel....I can't stand being treated like an object!"

Dave protested that to him, Molly was "the furthest thing from an object." Eagerly and sincerely, he declared, "She's a goddess to me...really! She's so good, so beautiful. I just want to express my love, to surrender into her." He talked about how pained and frustrated he felt every time she rejected him. Looking at her pleadingly, he said, "Molly, you mean so much to me....How could you not see that?"

For the past three decades, I have been working with psychotherapy clients and meditation students who are grappling with their fears about and longings for intimacy. For many, the dance of intimate relationship is what feels most meaningful in life. Yet besides the joy and communion they may have found, they inevitably suffer the anguish of conflict and hurt. In my work (as well as in my own marriage, divorce, and subsequent partnership), I've seen how readily we can fall into reactivity, how easily we can get locked into the role of victim or "bad guy." During these times, all the potential and promise of love get bound up in blame and defensiveness.

John Schumacher, an internationally known teacher of Iyengar Yoga, points out that "any deep connection with another naturally pushes us up against our edges." Speaking of his own marriage as a fertile source of insight and inspiration, he says, "Like a spiritual teacher, our partner knows us—knows when we're selfish, stuck, caught in feeling separate." Schumacher notes that relationships, like asanas, require the willingness to remain present for the difficulties and challenges that inevitably arise. "Discomfort and imbalance are flags that adjustment is needed."

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