I find my self here among other "Why Kids Hate Their Parents" pages I googled. I found my daughter loving, always did the right thing, no real trouble the 17 years she at home. But when she went to college she developed anger at her Mum and I. Her Mum did decide to leave the marriage that summer, no real reason. She cam from a very broken home, dad in jail, Mum choose to leave her with Grand Parents and run around partying so the shrink said that she feels comfortable in a broken situation, our marriage was to stable for her. At breakfast I mentioned we should go to a marriage counselor now that it will be just us and she moved out the next weekend. So I could understand some anger due to that but at 28 now she just a had child and still punishes me through withholding. I can count on just about 1 hand how many times she has come to see me. Has not offered to allow me to see my grand daughter. She has been the well of so much joy and hurt. I just do not understand. Good upper middle class home, I went to just about anything she ever did, I encouraged her to do many activities. We were in YMCA Indian princess program from 5 yo to 12 yo camping 4 times a year, father & daughter activities twice a month, Baseball, Football and Hockey games here in S Fla often. Car races together, classic car events together. I thought I did it all right and here I am without a daughter at 62. I just do not understand.
@firstname.lastname@example.org - the reason kids put their parents in a rest home and forget about them is because their parents abused them as children. The way I see it, this is perfectly fair and just. When the children were young and helpless, the parents beat, belittled, and abused the child every chance they got. They didn't think about the day that they would be old and helpless and need their children to take care of them. Now when the parents are helpless, the children want nothing to do with them. It's our only chance at revenge - find the cheapest, lousiest nursing home available, put the bad parents in there, and leave them to rot. Perfectly fair.
i have a 4 year old son with a very strong personality. he is a true leader...extremely charming and knows how to get what he wants. unfotunately, he is also very grumpy. the more i try to show him how to focus on the positive, the more he fights it. this article has inspired me to truly embrace him for who he is, and i suspect he will ease up on the negativity.
I believe in this country kids are so spoiled and the fault of the parents. They give them every material things they ask for. In the end they hate their parents and only want to hang out with their suppose peers like those people will be there for them always and they will not. Stick their your parents in a rest home and let strangers take care of them for pay and forget the poor old parents. This is what goes on daily in this good old USA. I find this practice discussing and see what kids see in how you treat your parents and that is what they learn. We know poor old defenseless parents in rest home are abuse and dies mostly alone. Think about it. Me Me generations for the past 60 or 70 years.
Thanks for the insight. I'm the mother of a 12-year-old who recently discovered her contempt for me, (ouch!) and a 20-year-old, who used to find me terribly annoying (that hurt, too), but now likes me well enough to hang out with me in yoga class or brunch at our favorite vegetarian restaurant (joy!). I think I knew intuitively what was going on ... remember hating my own mother at about age 13.
The thing I'd like to do different than my parents did (reject me as an adult at the first sign that I was thinking outside of their comfort zone) is give my adult children the freedom to explore, even when maybe I'm a little scared for them. I mean, they're going to be themselves with or without me. I'd rather be along for the trip than spend the rest of my life wondering where they went.
wow. I am a 17 year old girl insecurely living with her parents and deal with what is mentioned in this article everyday. Such insight into relationships is a gift. Also this article helped me largely. I understand from both sides to a greater extent-both the sides of my parents and I, and that of the true vs false self.
what I'm really trying to get out here, is thank you for this article.
I agree-the point of the article says to me that parents need to relate to children in an entirely different way. Parents can drive their children crazy, literally, with worrying about how their child will turn out. There are so many ways parents can control their kids - it is a waste of time - it supresses individuality - creates guilt in the child for letting the parents down - and sadly can create hate.
Being pregnant with my first child I am reflecting a lot on the relationship I have with my parents and what I would like the relationship with my own child to be like. Thank you very much for this article - 'Relating to children as the individuals they already are, not tyring to make them into people they will never be" touches on a core issue I have been mulling over - it absolutely hits the spot. Realization is the first step - fingers crossed I and my husband will be able to develop our own, evolved relationship with our child. Models of failure sadly do abound...
Perhaps you missed the entire point of the article - If parents related to children as who they "already are", rather than who the parents think they "should be" - children wouldn't hate their parents, nor would the children need to push their parents away in order to individuate.
Why do parents get blamed for the hate? The is merely another part of growing up, not because parents are suffocating, but because children need to push parents away in order to grow independent.