From Fear to Freedom

One woman's journey into Handstand, and how it turned her life upside down.

By Dayna Macy

I'm in yoga class, and I know what's coming next. Frankly, I'm not thrilled. "Handstand," my teacher says.

I dutifully trot to the wall with the other students and place my now-sweaty palms on my mat. As I move into Downward Dog and get ready to kick up, I feel my heart start to race. I kick. I don't make it up. I try again—and then three more times—and I still don't make it up.

Here's the naked truth: I'm afraid of kicking up into Adho Mukha Vrksasana (Handstand). I'm afraid of falling. I'm afraid that my arms will buckle underneath the weight of my curvy body. And while my rational mind knows that the wall really is there, I'm afraid that once I'm airborne, the wall will take on a life of its own and move back a few inches.

I'd like to say that I'm afraid of Handstand because I'm a beginner, but I've been practicing yoga for 14 years. I've tried kicking up hundreds of times, with more or less the same results. And though I truly believe that it's all about the journey and not the destination, it is still embarrassing not being able to do Handstand. I even feel angry with myself and disillusioned with my practice because I don't do the pose.

And I know I'm not alone. I've seen plenty of people, like me, who've practiced for years and still can't get up. So when my friend, who is editor of this magazine, issued me a challenge to write a piece about my fear of going upside down, I said yes. Even though a part of me (OK, a big part) was terrified, I wanted to challenge my notion of what was possible—and perhaps learn more about myself in the process.

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