Practice Acceptance

Your practice has sent you soaring, but your partner is holding you back. Practice acceptance and you'll live happily ever after.

By Meagan Francis

When you're annoyed that your partner isn't interested in your latest yoga revelation, or upset that he's heading down a spiritual path that doesn't appeal to you, focus on accepting him as he is, Miller says, instead of judging him or needing his behavior to change. To do that, it helps to practice acceptance of yourself and the issues you bring to the situation.

"A lot of couples confuse real love and intimacy with agreement," Miller says. "What I help them understand is that you can love somebody and really accept them without always agreeing with them. If there's some place I'm holding on—saying 'I love you, but I'll love you more if you meditate with me'—that's a qualified love. If I set my partner free to be who he or she is, I'm setting myself free."

Neutralize Negativity

While you might admit to yourself that it is unrealistic and unfair to expect your partner to walk the same path you do, you may still think basic understanding and support should be a given. Of course that would be ideal. But your partner may be experiencing a wave of negativity and reacting to your spiritual development with resistance, anger, or even ridicule.

Negative reactions often stem from fear and insecurity, says George Taylor, a marriage and family therapist and Buddhist meditator who leads workshops for couples with his wife, Debra Chamberlain-Taylor. "What happens a lot is that people say, 'You're not like me; therefore I don't feel safe.'"

If you probe that unsafe feeling, you may find that the underlying cause stems from a fear of being abandoned or not being loved. Your choice of a new spiritual path may look to your partner like a decision to move away from the common ground you've been sharing. If you're wildly excited about a new spiritual journey, your partner might even worry that your new interest will replace the relationship—or that the newly spiritual you will want a partner who's more knowledgeable or interested.

Cyndi Lee, the founder of OM Yoga in New York City and a practitioner of yoga for more than 30 years, suggests that sometimes, when embarking on a new spiritual path, we may come on a bit too strong. In fact, she adds, when we become passionate about anything, we may run the risk of intimidating—or just plain annoying—our partner.

"My current passion is knitting, and my husband has limited interest in talking about it," she says. "I think if all I did was talk about knitting, or expected him to go to yarn stores with me, we'd have a problem!" (And yes, says Taylor, when you're talking about relationship issues, a hobby like knitting is comparable to something as personal and soulful as a spiritual belief. An issue is an issue; the difference is in how we react to it.)

With a little perspective, it's easy to see that a new spiritual practice might feel threatening to an "old" partner. But if you take the time to nurture the relationship and do things you both enjoy, you can help your partner feel more secure. Cement what you do have in common, and your partner probably won't worry when you head off in an unfamiliar direction. Your partner may even change his mind and decide to join you.

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