Gift Rapt

Practicing generosity not only makes you feel good but connects you with the essence of who you really are.

By Sally Kempton

Gifts of the Heart

Problems may arise, however, when pride, regret, or self-doubt surfaces and infects the pure impulse of offering, because, of course, generosity is susceptible to the ego's genius for distortion. You might know people whose generosity is a pure power ploy, designed to buy loyalty or social advancement, reward favors, or cover shady business practices. Often what looks like generosity is a form of bribery or braggadocio. We may be generous in one area because we can't or won't be generous in another—the classic example being the busy parent who buys endless toys for a child she can't or doesn't want to spend time with.

On the other end of the spectrum, we might be compulsively open-handed with time or money, giving because we feel guilty or because in some way we devalue ourselves and our gifts. These are all varieties of unbalanced generosity, as are gifts given in a way that subtly diminishes the recipient, or gestures that squander our resources without actually being of help.

Moreover, for many of us, there's the problem of malaise, the automatized, dulled feeling that sets in when our giving becomes a matter of routine. As a friend said, "The first time you write a check to Doctors Without Borders, your heart swells with happiness at being able to help. But when you get solicited for more money every week, the act either turns into a rote reflex or a source of guilt as you throw the letter in the trash. What happens to your generosity then?"

She went on to share her experience of volunteering to do an extra dishwashing shift at a meditation retreat—and of the annoyance she couldn't suppress when she was then asked to take on one more. If you have ever worked for a volunteer organization, you'll know that humbling moment when your enthusiasm for helping gets derailed by a desperate supervisor's demand that you fill in for someone who hasn't shown up, or by a self-righteous co-worker's snapped orders.

Of course, if all of us insisted on feeling generous before we wrote the check to the food bank or put in our hour of washing dishes at the retreat, the work of nonprofits and spiritual organizations would grind to a halt, and the lives of the poor would be even harder than they are now. Still, my friend has a point. There is a difference between dutiful generosity and the heartfelt kind. For one thing, heartfelt generosity just feels better, as dancing with someone you adore feels better than dancing with a polite stranger.

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