Forgive Yourself

How can you forgive yourself when the person you wronged won't?

By Dawn Friedman

Yoga teaching, too, speaks to the importance of dealing ethically with others. The concept of karma tells us, in part, that our actions will come back to us. Karma yoga is the practice of selflessly putting ourselves in service to others, and part of this is trying to right the wrongs we have done.

But as I sought guidance after I received Matthew's reply, I could find little about working through situations like mine. How do we make amends if our apologies are rejected? How can we serve someone who won't let us near them?

"You can't make it all perfect," counsels Frederic Luskin, director of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project and the author of Forgive for Good. "You have to be able to forgive the other person when their response is not what you pictured."

While working as a research associate for the Stanford University School of Medicine, Luskin focused his studies on the health benefits of forgiveness. When people can't forgive, their stress levels increase, which can contribute to cardiovascular problems. People who are able to practice forgiveness have stronger hearts, lower blood pressure, and better immune responses than those who carry a grudge.

"There are measurable health benefits to having an open heart and a clear mind," says Luskin. "A sincere apology is a central mechanism to self-forgiveness, and there are health benefits in forgiving ourselves as much as in forgiving other people."

But I didn't know how to begin to forgive myself when Matthew wouldn't.

Focus On Actions, Not Results

I'll admit that I had fantasies about what might happen after Matthew got my letter. I pictured him calling me back, and I imagined us renewing the best parts of our friendship. That was one reason his response hurt so much; it wasn't something I had even imagined. My first thought was to refuse it. "If he won't forgive me," I thought, mortified and angry, "then I rescind my apology!"

That response, though, really didn't get me anywhere. In the sacred Hindu text the Bhagavad Gita, the god Krishna tells the yogi Arjuna that it is a mistake to focus on the results of our efforts instead of on the efforts themselves: "The man who is devoted and not attached to the fruit of his actions obtains tranquillity." Or, as Luskin says, "The crucial point in apology is not that you're successful but that you make the effort."

My knee-jerk reaction—wanting to take back my apology—showed me that my motivation in making it wasn't as selfless as I'd thought. I then understood that I needed to be honest with myself and admit any selfish motives I'd had, so I could be free of them. I began to understand that it was OK to want a positive response from Matthew—but not OK to make my apology contingent on it.

"Your actions are always about your character," Luskin says. "How others receive it is their thing."

I still didn't know what to do next. I felt I owed Matthew something but wasn't sure what. And I began to see my suffering as evidence of my regret. The more I punished myself, the better I could prove how sorry I was.

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