Forgive Yourself

How can you forgive yourself when the person you wronged won't?

By Dawn Friedman

Fueled by those compassionate feelings, we can move to the final step of setting an intention toward positive action.

Forbes puts it this way: "Apology and atonement are offered to the person we hurt, but they also help us grow. Atonement brings real change."

This was a challenging shift in my thinking; it went against everything I had learned about apology at my mother's knee. As a child, I was taught to say I was sorry whether or not I meant it, because apology was not about me but about the other person.

But now I began to understand that true apology and atonement were a gift for the transgressor—in this case, me—as well. Then I had to ask myself, was this a gift that I was ready to receive? Could I be strong enough to look inside myself and confront my need to change?

True Atonement

Developing the willingness to make a real change is much harder than simply saying "I'm sorry." But without this willingness, an apology is meaningless.

"Atonement is really a spiritual practice which is centered around the process inside ourselves and in our relationship with others," says Forbes. "And it is not conditional on the desired outcome."

I didn't need Matthew's approval or permission to make amends; what I needed was honesty in my relationship with myself. I had to admit that in holding on to the conflict I was still being the girl who wouldn't let Matthew hang out with his other friends.

For the second time in our relationship, Matthew was giving me the opportunity to embrace aparigraha, or nongrasping, a central teaching of yoga philosophy. I could not control him then, and I could not control him now. I had apologized, I had wished him peace, and now I needed to let him go.

I once had a boss who would greet our complaints about difficult clients with, "What an opportunity for growth!" That was annoying, to be sure, but as I sifted through my feelings about Matthew, I came to realize that I would have missed an opportunity if he had simply forgiven me as I'd asked. Struggling to accept his rejection forced me to examine the person I was, how she was part of the person I am now, and how I can let her go.

Matthew's friendship—all of it, from its blossoming beginning to its painful end—is a gift for which I am grateful.

Dawn Friedman is a writer in Columbus, Ohio.

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