Love in Full Bloom

Nothing could be sweeter than to bask in unconditional love. Why not ensure its continuous presence in your life?

This is the first of a three-part series on the brahmaviharas, which show us the way to a kinder, more compassionate relationship with ourselves and others. Read Part II: I'm So Happy For You and Part III: Calm Within.

By Frank Jude Boccio

How would you like to be unconditionally loved, just as you are, without having to be or do anything special? What would it be like to feel truly, completely, radically accepted, without feeling as though you had to hide or deny or apologize for any aspect of yourself?

All of us crave this kind of love and acceptance, but few can honestly say we offer ourselves such unconditional regard. The trouble is, if we cannot love and accept ourselves just as we are, we will find it difficult to truly love anyone else in such a limitless, unconditional way. And, perhaps even more unsettling to contemplate, if we are fortunate enough to find someone who accepts and loves us unconditionally, how can we be open to receiving that love from someone else if we haven't fully accepted ourselves?

Unconditional love becomes possible when you practice cultivating the four states of mind known as the brahmaviharas. Collectively, these four qualities of friendliness or lovingkindness (metta), compassion (karuna), joy (mudita), and equanimity (upekkha) are the qualities of true, authentic, and unconditional love. Both Patanjali, the Indian sage who compiled the Yoga Sutra in the second century BCE, and the Buddha taught the importance of cultivating these four states of mind.

Quieting the Mind

Swami Satchidananda (1914-2002), yoga master and founder of Integral Yoga, translates Yoga Sutra I.33, which addresses the brahmaviharas, as saying, "By cultivating attitudes of friendliness toward the happy, compassion for the unhappy, delight in the virtuous, and disregard toward the wicked, the mind-stuff retains its undisturbed calmness." Satchidananda says that these qualities are the four keys to establishing the mind in serenity: "If you use the right key with the right person, you will retain your peace." Cultivating these states of mind is a way of restraining or reversing what Patanjali calls vikshepa, the tendency of the mind to be distracted and outwardly directed. Patanjali tells us that when we react haphazardly or callously to what people do around us, inner disturbance is the result. These four attitudes combat that disturbance and bring us closer to a state of balanced equilibrium.

When we see happy people, cultivating a friendly attitude toward them will help forestall feelings of jealousy and envy. When we encounter those who are suffering, we should compassionately do what we can to help—for our own sake as much as for the person who is suffering. "Our goal is to keep the serenity of our minds. Whether our mercy will help that person or not, by our own feeling of mercy, at least we are helped," Satchidananda says.

Appreciating and delighting in the qualities of virtuous people will inspire us to cultivate such virtues ourselves. And finally, when we are faced with those we deem nonvirtuous, the classical yoga tradition teaches that we should strive to have an indifferent attitude toward them. Often, we indulge in judging and criticizing those who we feel are misguided. This hardly helps us maintain a serene state of mind! Commentators in the classical yoga tradition point out that the yogi should not divert attention from his or her own practice in order to try to reform those who are unlikely to heed advice. As Satchidananda points out, "If you try to advise them, you will lose your peace."

Love Unlimited

Many contemporary yogis interpret Patanjali's Yoga Sutra I.33 more broadly. Chip Hartranft, an author and teacher of Buddhism and yoga, translates the sutra as saying, "Consciousness settles as one radiates friendliness, compassion, delight, and equanimity toward all things, whether pleasant, unpleasant, good, or bad." This broader view is the one emphasized in the Buddhist tradition, where the brahmaviharas are also known as "the Four Limitless Ones" and "the Four Immeasurables," reflecting Buddhist yoga's emphasis on social relationships and the interdependent nature of all beings. Both of these perspectives are valuable; reflecting on the intention and purpose behind each gives greater depth to our own practice.

Metta or Maitri (lovingkindness). Buddhist yoga, the word metta (the Pali equivalent of the Sanskrit maitri used by Karuna (compassion).Karuna is related to the word karma. It is the intention and capacity to relieve and transform suffering, to lighten sorrow. While the word karuna is generally "translated as "compassion," which literally means to suffer with," Thich Nhat Hanh, the Buddhist monk and teacher, has pointed out that we don't need to suffer ourselves in order to alleviate the suffering of another person. Doctors, for instance, do not have to suffer illness in order to relieve their patients' pain. The Buddha described karuna as the "quivering of the heart" we experience when we are open and able to truly see suffering and are moved to do something about it.

Mudita (joy). True love brings joy, and mudita is the joy we take in the simple pleasures of the breath or the eyes that enable us to see a child's smile or the blueness of a clear sky, and the delight we take in watching a puppy play. When we love, joy seems to surround and pervade us.

Upekkha or Upeksha (equanimity). Finally, the word upekkha (or upeksha in Sanskrit), translated by those in the classical yoga tradition as "disregard" or "indifference," is understood in the Buddhist yoga tradition as meaning "equanimity," or the even-mindedness of nonattachment. True equanimity is neither indifference nor detachment. It is the ability to feel connection fully, without clinging or possessiveness. Upekkha is traditionally the last of the brahmaviharas we work with, and it is the one that allows us to deepen and extend the other three immeasurably, avoiding pitfalls like compassion fatigue, emotional burnout, and stifling codependence.

Begin with Yourself

In this article, the first of three exploring the brahmaviharas in detail, I will begin with an integrated approach to the first two, metta and karuna, which I often encourage students to combine into one seamless practice. When we practice metta and karuna, we start by cultivating a friendly, unconditional regard for ourselves, before attempting to cultivate the same for others.

This kind of radical self-acceptance can be challenging for those of us who have trouble feeling worthy or deserving of love. When we practice lovingkindness toward ourselves, we might come face-to-face with feelings of self-deprecation that we've been suppressing or ignoring, feelings that have been affecting our hearts and relationships unconsciously. I practice and teach metta and karuna together because it is often through opening to these suppressed feelings with compassion that a friendly, accepting love for ourselves and others can develop.

In the Buddhist yoga tradition, detailed instruction on the practice of cultivating the brahmaviharas has been maintained through the millennia, and the practice I teach is reflective of this tradition. To begin, seat yourself in a comfortable position. As a preliminary practice for metta bhavana (or cultivating metta), call to mind your own goodness, a time when you did or said something that was kind, generous, caring, or loving. This can be something as simple as offering your seat on the bus, or preparing your family a nourishing meal. If you can't think of anything, turn your attention to a quality in yourself that you enjoy, a strength or skill that you can recognize and appreciate. If nothing comes to mind, you can simply reflect on the basic rightness of your innate wish to be happy. After settling in with the breath and the reflections of the preliminary practice, bring your attention to your heart center and acknowledge how it feels here—whether open and receptive or closed and defended, whether heavy or light. Open to how it feels, without judging, and simply witness and befriend the heart. Then begin to repeat the following metta phrases:

May I be happy.
May I be peaceful.
May I be safe from harm.
May I enjoy happiness and the root of happiness.
May I experience ease and well-being in body, mind, and spirit.

If you experience any physical or emotional pain, or if any difficulty arises as you practice saying these, such as having feelings of unworthiness, anger, fear, or sadness, add in these phrases of karuna bhavana (cultivating karuna):

May I be free from suffering.
May I hold myself with softness and care.
May I be free from suffering and the root of suffering.
May I be free from the suffering caused by greed (or anger, fear, confusion, and so on).
May I experience ease of body, mind, and spirit.
May I respond to suffering with compassion.

As you repeat these phrases to yourself, feel your breath and notice your body's response to each phrase. Settle into the reverberations of each phrase as it echoes in your mind's ear. You may find that you cannot connect with feelings of friendliness and compassion. It might feel mechanical to repeat the phrases, as if you're being inauthentic. If it does, remember that sending love to a closed heart is still part of the practice, and that you can, as one of my teachers once said, "Fake it till you make it!" Just as you would in any other meditation practice, notice when the mind strays into story, memory, fantasy, or planning. When it does, simply let it all go and return to the practice.

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May 2010

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