Nurture the New You

If you're committed to change this new year, replace the hard-headed discipline with self-compassion. Studies show it's a more effective strategy for making all kinds of behavioral changes.

By Kelly McGonigal

Every resolution to change begins with a burst of hope. You feel great when you do yoga, so you vow to practice every day. Or maybe you realize that your afternoon coffee breaks drain your energy, so you pledge to cut back. When you make these promises, you feel light hearted, elated, perhaps even connected to your higher Self. You're ready to honor your longing for health and happiness. And deep down, you know you're up to the challenge.

But after the initial enthusiasm wears off and you hit your first setback (the tempting latte, the skipped yoga practice), your inner critic pipes up. "What's wrong with you? Why can't you make this simple change?" The voice gets louder and meaner, and soon self-doubt creeps in. Perhaps you try to rally by setting stricter goals, or maybe you decide the resolution isn't so important after all. Either way, your inspiration fades —and poof! —your old habits return.

Fortunately, yoga offers an alternative approach for making positive changes in your life: self-compassion. One of the messages in yoga's seminal scripture, the Yoga Sutra of Patanjali, is that self-transformation doesn't happen overnight, but you can overcome negative patterns one step at a time. If you are gentle with yourself and accept your setbacks with compassion, you can change your life for the better. New scientific research is giving this ancient wisdom credence and showing that, when it comes to making a change, self-compassion is your greatest source of strength. So, whether you want to change a negative behavior (like overeating or snapping at your kids) or commit to a positive one (like meditating every day), the best approach is to cultivate self-compassion and tap into its power, so that you can stick to your resolutions —and build a better life.

Your Inner Light

If being hard on yourself is counterproductive, why do you do it? Kate Holcombe, the founder of the Healing Yoga Foundation in San Francisco, explains that a self-critical approach to change —including the self-judgment, fear, shame, and guilt that often accompany it —reflects what Patanjali calls avidya (which she translates as "incorrect understanding") and asmita ("false identification"). Basically, you're mistaking the behavior you want to change for who you are, rather than seeing it for what it is —a pattern or a habit that's not serving you. "A fundamental principle of yoga is that, deep inside, you are truly perfect just as you are," she says. When you recognize yourself as fundamentally perfect instead of focusing on your flaws, you can see your negative patterns without judgment.

Patanjali says that the mind is like a brilliant gem, a diamond," Holcombe explains. "Over a lifetime, that shiny diamond gets dirty, dusty, coated over by conditioned thoughts and the experiences we have. We lose touch with our inner brilliance —the light of the inner Self —and can't even remember that it's there." Yoga is the process of cleaning the mind and whatever is blocking the inner light —the part of you that doesn't need to be fixed, controlled, or perfected. When you think of changing a pattern that's not serving you in this way —that is, as cleaning away accumulated dust of the mind, which blocks your just-right Self —it causes you to view the negative behavior from a more compassionate point of view.

Change For Good

Yoga practitioners have been practicing self-compassion for millennia, but psychologists have only begun to test the wisdom of this approach. The evidence, so far, is clear: Self-compassion dramatically improves your chances of making a change for good.

One of the world's leading researchers on the topic is Kristin Neff, associate professor of human development at the University of Texas, Austin. She says, "The number one thing I've found in my research is that people think it's good to be a little self-compassionate, but not too much. There is a strong belief that we need self-criticism to motivate us. Meaning, 'If I'm not hard on myself, I'll let myself get away with everything.'" This, says Neff, reflects a fundamental misunderstanding about what self-compassion is: being kind and supportive with yourself when you're confronting personal weaknesses, challenges, and setbacks. "Self-compassion goes beyond self-acceptance," she says. "It has an active element of caring, of wanting the best for yourself. It means saying to yourself, 'I want to heal, to be happy, to be healthy,' and knowing that sometimes requires you to make a change." She says that if you view the change you're trying to make as an act of self-care instead of trying to motivate yourself with anger or rejection, you'll be more likely to succeed.

Neff also says that people think self-compassion means feeling sorry for themselves or letting themselves off the hook, but research suggests that the opposite is true. In a set of five studies she and her colleagues published in 2007 in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, participants were asked to respond to real, remembered, and imagined failures. In every scenario, participants who scored higher on Neff's self-compassion scale were less upset by failures and less likely to obsess about them. They were also less defensive and more willing to take responsibility for the outcomes.

Neff's research has found that people who are hard on themselves are less resilient after a setback and more vulnerable to anxiety and depression. When you're self-critical, you treat yourself in ways you would never want to treat someone you love: beating yourself up for every imperfection, punishing yourself for any weakness, and discouraging yourself from going after what you really want. Self-compassion provides the supportive emotional environment necessary for change. She says that without the usual guilt, shame, and self-doubt, you can look at yourself clearly, make conscious choices, and take the right steps.

While the ultimate goal of yoga is to reside in your true nature, which is free of suffering, getting to that point is —as Patanjali points out —a long journey. Along the way, there are small steps you can take to cultivate self-compassion in your yoga practice and in your life.

Cultivate Your Inner Witness

Maggie Juliano, owner of Sprout Yoga in Media, Pennsylvania, leads yoga teacher trainings on topics of recovery and mental health and specializes in helping people change self-destructive behaviors ranging from binging on junk food to abusing drugs. She says that if you want to cultivate self-compassion, start by reframing the behavior you're trying to change. See it as a symptom of suffering, not as a bad part of yourself that you need to fix.

"If we overeat or overspend and then feel bad about ourselves," she explains, "we don't realize we're suffering because we tried to fix our sadness with shopping or food. We think, 'I must feel bad because I am bad. I have no self-control.'" All too often, this creates a vicious cycle in which we turn to our old habit (the ice cream, the couch, the credit cards) for comfort yet again, because that's where we go to feel better about ourselves.

Instead of criticizing yourself, Juliano says, simply acknowledge that you went looking for happiness in the wrong place. When you can separate your sense of self from the behavior, she explains, it's easier to ask yourself, "What need was I trying to meet?" In other words, why do you want that extra glass of wine, that doughnut, that new pair of shoes? Are you trying to cope with stress, suppress anger, or avoid feeling lonely? What's driving your urge to stay on the couch or to put off a task you know you should do?

It's important to be present with your feelings and see them clearly instead of pushing them away, she says. Then, when you're tempted to slip into a bad habit, you can extend patient, loving attention to yourself. You'll be less inclined to beat yourself up —and more prepared to make a wise, self-supportive choice.

Think Positive

Next, Juliano says, instead of criticizing yourself, find a positive motivation for change. "Remember that you are a person who deserves unconditional love and deserves not to suffer," she says. "You can make any change from this point of view. Just say to yourself, 'I'm changing this behavior because I deserve to live a healthier, happier life.'"

A great place to start this practice is on your mat, Juliano says, where self-critical thoughts often bubble up. She suggests that when your inner critic starts up while you're holding a pose, notice how you feel in your body and mind. Then choose a more compassionate response. For example, if you're berating yourself for not being flexible enough in a pose, remember that the pose is meant to gradually improve your flexibility, not to force you into a perfect asana overnight. Just being present in the pose is enough. If you notice yourself thinking, "I've got to go further in this pose or make this pose look better," ask yourself instead, "Does this pose feel good? Does it feel safe? What can I do to enjoy it more?"

This process will serve you well when you're off the mat, too. When you're faced with a choice to succumb to an old habit or stick to your resolve, notice how you're talking to yourself about the choice. Saying no to the extra slice of chocolate cake or getting up early to meditate isn't an act of self-denial —it's an act of self-care. Give yourself credit for your positive choice and recognize that over time, small steps lead to big results.

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February 2011

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