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Cultivate Your Connections

Bring classical yoga's lessons off the mat and meditation cushion and into your relationships.

By Judith Lasater

Centuries ago a legendary Indian sage, scholar, grammarian, and yogi named Patanjali wrote his seminal Yoga Sutra to clarify and preserve the ancient oral teachings of yoga. His book describes the workings of the human mind and prescribes a path for achieving a life free from suffering.

Perhaps because Patanjali's Sutra focuses on attaining the personal freedom that comes with self-awareness, we sometimes forget that his teachings have deep relevance for those of us struggling with the mystery of human relationships. Learning to live with others begins with learning to live with ourselves, and the Yoga Sutra provides many tools for both of these tasks.

The connection between Patanjali's teachings and improving our relationships may not be apparent at first glance. The concept of relinquishing the ego is the thread that weaves the two together. When we act and react from our individual ego, without the benefit of proper perspective and compassion, we are certainly not practicing yoga—and we are also potentially harming those around us. Patanjali's Sutra gives us tools for improving our relationships by stripping away the illusions that shield us from connection with our true Self, with others, and with life itself.

Among the most valuable of these tools are the niyamas, the second "limb" of Patanjali's eight-limbed yoga system. In Sanskrit, "niyama" means "observance," and these practices extend the ethical guidelines provided in the first limb, the yamas. (For a discussion of the yamas, see "Beginning the Journey" in the November/December 1998 issue of Yoga Journal). While "yama" is usually translated as "restraint," and the yamas outline actions and attitudes we ought to avoid, the niyamas describe actions and attitudes that we should cultivate to overcome the illusion of separation and the suffering it causes. The five niyamas are: purity (saucha); contentment (santosa); austerity (tapas); self-study (svadhyaya); and devotion to the Lord (isvara pranidhana).

Saucha (Purity)

When I first began studying the Yoga Sutra, I balked at this first niyama because it sounded so judgmental. The newly formed yoga groups I associated with tended to interpret the teachings of Patanjali in very rigid ways. Some foods, thoughts, activities, and people were impure—and my task was simply to avoid them.

To me, this concept of purity implied that the world was a profane place that threatened to contaminate me unless I followed a strict set of moral rules. No one told me that the intentions in my heart mattered; no one suggested that rather than rules, saucha represents a commonsense, practical insight: If you embrace impurity in thought, word, or deed, you will eventually suffer.

As time went by, saucha began to take on another dimension for me. Rather than seeing it as a measure of my action or of its outcome, I now see saucha as a reminder to constantly examine the intention behind my actions. I have been inspired by the philosopher and author Viktor Frankl, who said he found meaning in his life when he helped others find meaning in their lives.

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Reader Comments

ommare

Could it simply be, Bobbie, that this man does not really want to spend time with you? Or that his perception of the relationship is not the same as yours?

Julie

I can understand what stellabloo is saying, since I am at a crossroads where I want to find things that make me happy. But then if I begin the search for happiness, then I may search for the rest of my life, not satisfied with anything nor anyone that may come my way. Meditation will teach us to accept the present moment(s) and the people and things that inhabit such moment. No one or nothing is perfect; actually the word perfect should be banished from language all together.

stellabloo

In reply to Bobbie's dilemna, the hallmarks of the co-dependant relationship are generally an undue focus on the need to fix the problems of another and loss of self-identity to the point where one's feelings of self-worth are inextricably tied to the behaviour of the other.

Isvara Pranidhana is not just a yogic concept; it lies at the core of the 12 Step Program. When we devote ourselves completely to our Higher Power, when we fully trust that we will receive all that we truly need, we open ourselves to relationships with all our fellow beings instead of this dream of the perfect partner.

To concentrate this much mental energy on the one person who is pushing you away is a waste of the Divine Love within you; there are people all around you, including yourself, who can benefit from your love. I'm no psychic, but my thought is that you should walk away and concentrate instead on other things that bring joy and meaning into your life. This is not giving up on the relationship; if it's that easy for you to be thrown "off balance" by another, than think of it as a call to return to Centre.

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