When Judith Hanson Lasater finds herself triggered, she takes a walk. This method has become useful for her whole family.
In a heated moment they will say to each other, "I'm going to go walk around the block, because I'm not acting consistently
with my values. I don't want to disconnect; I'll be back. And I'd like to start over with this discussion."
Ask, "What's the most important thing?"
"It's what I ask myself when I'm teaching yoga—what's the most important thing right now? Generally it's the safety and well-being of the students. And then, their growth and learning," Lasater says. When she asks the same thing about her
husband, she often thinks, "I want to stay in a relationship with this person. Let's figure out a way to meet both of our
Say, "How human of me!"
"You know, 'How human of me to get irritated about the stupid way the toothpaste cap is off' kind of thing. And how human
of him to act the way that he's acting. Somehow, when I hear that in my head," says Lasater, "it evokes a sense of
compassion. It's just what human beings do. We want our way, and not only do we want our way, but we want it right now."
Hear the Real Request
Underlying each complaint that partners express to each other is usually "Hear me, see me," Lasater says. "I could take
offense, or take it personally, or I could say to myself, 'Hmm...what is he really saying from his heart?'" What sounds
like a grievance might actually be a plea to be appreciated.
Get Some Deep Rest
Is your partner often annoying you? Try Savasana for 20 minutes a day. "So much of what we find irritating is just that
we're tired," Lasater says. "And to really deeply relax shifts your entire nervous system."
For more details on relationships, please read Grow Your Love
Valerie Reiss is the holistic living editor at